In 1870, in a speech in the British House of Commons, Benjamin Disraeli wrote "Customs may not be as wise as laws, but they are always more popular." Today, especially with regard to weddings, we might add that although customs may remain, new trends and creative ideas are definitely part of the mix!

One prospective bride, planning her wedding, put it this way: "As twenty-somethings ourselves, my fiancé and I have chosen to respect tradition and etiquette as we plan our wedding, and there are many ways that today's couples can combine new ideas with the old ways."

Today's about-to-be-marrieds have years of wedding history, rituals, rites, and "official" etiquette upon which to plan their weddings. They are also blessed by living in a world where being innovative is acceptable. We have, indeed, come a long way. Just how much have things changed and what are the ways in which ingenuity and inventiveness can be integrated into planning a wedding?

One of the first and one of the most critical issues in wedding planning is finances. The etiquette regarding who is responsible for wedding expenses was formerly a matter steeped in tradition, varying from region to region. Once it was only proper for the bride's parents to cover those expenses and it was a breach of etiquette for anyone else to share the expenses. This custom has changed and it is now considered acceptable, if they wish, for the bridegroom's family, and/or the bride and groom themselves to help cover wedding costs. Good taste and good sense still dictate that no one is asked to go into debt to pay for the wedding and reception.

The differences between yesterday and today starts right in "the beginning" of the process. Years ago, a gentleman proposed on one knee, after asking permission of the woman's father. He gave his bride-to-be an engagement ring, followed by a wedding ring which was usually a simple gold band. While today, some women present their husband-to-be with an engagement ring and both wedding and engagement rings come in any number of styles. Either the man or woman may propose and most fathers find out about the engagement after the fact.

In yesteryear, wedding invitations were either handwritten or engraved, following very closely to strict rules of etiquette. Today, some couples use computers to address their envelopes, while others actually print the entire invitation off the computer. They add graphics and color are they see fit and either one or two envelopes are used, which may vary in size.

Down through the ages brides have dressed in white as a symbol of purity. It was only the second time bride and the widow for whom etiquette prescribed wearing a pastel or off-white. Today, color is permissible, for both bridal and attendants' gowns. Colors range from simple off-white right through the color spectrum, and, even include black. Market research tells us that today's bride still prefers white, but the move away to other options is growing in popularity.

Once upon a time, all the wedding attire had to coordinate. Today's brides concern themselves less with color matching and more with making the wedding party happy and comfortable. Neither length nor color is an issue.

More about color . . . Today, every color is appropriate at a wedding. Black is no longer considered the color of mourning and is both fashionable and festive. Red and even white, for guests, is fine, although most guests, even today, are not comfortable wearing white, even though most brides don't care all that much.

Yesterday, a bride chose her attendants and the groom picked his and the numbers had to be "even." Today, couples make these choices together, as they mix and match. The groom may pick one or more of the bridesmaids and visa versa. A maid or matron of honor may be a man and the best man may be a woman. Even numbers, of course, are unimportant.

One of the most significant influences on changing etiquette is the expanding list of innovative wedding styles, moving further and further away from the traditional wedding reception of yesteryear.

In years gone by, ceremonies and receptions were held at home, at church or at the courthouse. Today's receptions range from informal to formal and everything in between. An unusual, new reception idea, the progressive weddings, takes the bride and groom to the guests instead of guests traveling to the bride and groom. Couples may choose to be married in the town they live in, with local friends and relatives in attendance. Then, the newlyweds visit the bride's parents, where a formal reception is held. Finally, at some later date, the couple can travel to the groom's hometown for another reception. Some couples even extend the concept with cocktail parties or buffet dinners held at other relatives' or friends' homes in other cities, so everyone can join in the celebration.

Today, the modern couple has almost a limitless variety of venues from which to pick . . . vineyards, museums, yachts, estates, mansions, musuems, historic sites . . . to weddings over the Internet. There are long weekend weddings with guests gathering at a B & B or sentimental journey weddings that "transport" guests and wedding party to a place of history and memories for the couple - the college campus where they met or their favorite restaurant. There are destination weddings that give guests a mini-vacation (weekend or longer) attending the wedding. A home or outdoor wedding gets a new spin when the couple chooses someone else's "home," like a park, public garden, or historic site. Today's brides have even opted for the surprise wedding by turning an ordinary barbeque, cocktail party or dinner buffet into a special and memorable occasion. Using a Halloween party or New Year's Eve celebration as "cover," the ceremony and reception are held at home, or guests may be transported to the church after their arrival. With choices almost endless, weddings are becoming more and more unique!

Etiquette prescribes that the guests pass through the receiving line, the bride and groom lead a procession of the bridal party to the bride's table, the bride and groom take their places, the bridal party is seated, and then all other guests are seated. After the first course has been served, toasts are given. The ritual goes like this: The MC introduces the person who will be giving the toast to the bride. The groom responds with thanks, and then toasts the bride's parents, his best man, and attendants. The father of the bride then toasts the bride and groom, followed by the best man's toast to the maid-of honor and other attendants. The groom or the MC may then propose a toast to the groom's parents, with a reply to follow from the groom's father. It is then in order for any other guests to propose further toasts.

Today's brides are developing new rituals. One bride added a toast offered by her brother in memory of loved ones who were not in attendance. Another added her own toast to the groom's. He toasted her parents, then she toasted his.

Ethnic weddings by their nature bring many traditions, but even those can get a lovely new spin. In Jewish weddings, the bride and groom marry under a canopy (chuppah) provided by the Rabbi, temple or catering hall. One 90's bride decided to make her own. They distributed squares of material to their close friends and family, asked each to design something on the square. The squares were combined into a quilt used as the canopy and kept as a memento of the day. Incidentally, more and more people are adopting the Jewish tradition of having the bride's father and mother walk her down the aisle. It is a nice way to your show mom that she's special too.

Instead of the traditional unity candle lighting with the bride and groom, today's bride may, as a display of thanks, give all the wedding guests miniature candles and have them join in the ceremony.

Throwing rice and old shoes at the end of the ceremony is an "ancient" tradition dating back to the Middle Ages, when rice became was a symbol of fruitfulness amongst many early peoples. It is thrown as a symbol of the guests' good wishes for the new couple. One new alternative to throwing rice is to give all of the guests jingle bells to ring as the couple exits, so that guests can help the couple "ring in" their new life together. Many brides have opted for newer alternatives such as birdseed or bubble. (Click Here to "expose" the rice-throwing myth.)

Most modern brides would probably chuckle at the rule of etiquette that commands in a second wedding that the cake icing should be soft pastel, with usual top ornament omitted. These today are the very brides decorating their cake tops with Sylvester and Tweedy!

Roy L. Smith is quoted as saying (in 1886) that "the ideal marriage is not one in which two people marry to be happy, but to make each other happy." Perhaps a lesson we may learn from this aphorism is that the ideal wedding is one that makes the bride and groom and their guests happy. Such a wedding, no doubt, will combine the best of the old and the best of the new.

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