Even those individuals who subscribe to the ideology of one of the popular religions because of family tradition, conversion, passion, pain, compulsion, fear, or for whatever reason, have moments of doubt and questioning as well as epiphany and faith. Each one of us has a different relationship with life and love, the feelings of power, hope, attachment and commitment. We all have a different way of dealing with this uncanny mystery we call life through which we dance for a time and then inevitably fall, losing our pulse and our warmth. And to what end? Certainly none of us knows for sure, although each religion espouses explanations, promises, rules, regulations and what are, in actuality, traditional speculations based on the experiences and theories of others who have come before us. I am not disparaging religions, but merely presenting an observation based on years of interfaith study, mediation and intimate counseling work.

I would never deny the personal reality of the individual spiritual experience, for I have had many myself and consider them direct communications between me and the powerful force that creates, sustains and destroys all of us and all of this we call the universe.

When designing a wedding ceremony, how do two people communicate about the disparate spiritual and non-spiritual experiences that they have had in life, which are usually invisible and generally unexplainable? How do they create meaningful words to say to each other that will build the foundation for lasting rapport and begin a symphony of growing and practical ideology that works for their own encounters with life, love, family, challenge, and keeps the love and passion alive? This is a tall order.

Since 1994, when I was ordained as an Interfaith minister at Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City, I have interviewed at least one hundred couples who have come from traditions as diverse as a Turkish Muslim groom and an Irish Catholic bride, an Atheist bride and a Jewish groom. My successful marriages equal 98%, with the remaining 2% those couples who were observably not communicating, but instead grasping at illusionary straws.

Tip # 1 In the mysterious realm of lasting marriage is communication. Of course, even if you are mature enough to realize that whatever you say in this moment is subject to change, at least you and your partner are in constant dialogue. This is a dialogue not necessarily based only on language. But when considering marriage, a couple must know how each of them communicates. Is it through auditory means? The words say "I love you". Kinesthetically? Body language like he warms up your coffee cup in the am. Or is it Visually? She lights the bedroom with candlelight? These forms of communication can and need to be determined and understood by both of you.

When designing a wedding, the words that you exchange need to reflect a series of dialogues that have cruised over the clouds, under the stars, amidst the doldrums, and dodged through drama, Kleenex and aspirin. These conversations can be intellectual, but the mind is not the guiding light of communication. In fact it can be the enemy of understanding the feelings and messages that are being broadcast from another's heart. Go deeper. Stay there long enough to listen, feel, visualize.

Tip # 2. The two of you need to acknowledge the presence of ideas that originated and were passed down centuries ago from each of your hundreds of ancestors. These ideas, religious or not, are rarely conscious and one or both of you may even deny their existence. Just the recognition alone of these expectations is a start of a healthy interfaith marriage - and I consider all marriages interfaith in this sense. When you discover differences, recognize them as old programming or conscious personal roots to hope, love and security/peace.

Even if you are of the same religious persuasion, do not neglect Tip # 3; to pursue elegant prose and poetic expressions of love. Because, as we all know, our spoken languages do not and can not convey the essence of the feelings of the heart. Let books fall off the shelf into your arms, do a search online, listen to the lyrics of your favorite songs, read my book. It doesn't matter where the words come from. Do they touch your hearts?

Tip # 4. The common denominator vital to the success of a marriage is the building of trust. At first, when you are courting each other, you are on your best behavior, but you can't do this for the rest of your lives together. You both need to be able to speak freely to each other and have the trust that, if you say something stupid or do something out of the box, you will not be ridiculed or rejected. This is trust, a feeling that you will be loved, accepted and respected for being yourself and given a choice to grow in the relationship. In fact, you have confidence that your spouse is supportive of you and will be a sounding board, ally, friend, colleague, fan, buddy and lover. Are there lines in the sand? Perhaps. You need to discuss where they are for each of you before you write vows.

Of course, we all know that there are times when one or both of you will go over the line, will react instead of respond, that there will be disagreements, arguments and fights, but the bottom line is the trusting love you share for one another. A soft nurtured heart forgives.

So Tip # 5 is about being transparent. This means not hiding your heart behind lies that blind love, but keep wearing the see-through, undefended heart on your sleeve. Be willing to submit to love. Who can define love? It is different for everyone. There are so many different kinds of love. Is it caring for someone and putting your efforts into making that person healthy and happy? Certainly that is part of it. Is it abusive? No. "Your husband is so much a part of you that you want to make him part of your family" says a happily married woman. "In fact, love is a human instinct that makes you want to make a family with him. It becomes the major life project. The family becomes the part that you are the most proud of." Transparency is the new hot management term. It means not hiding your agenda and putting your thoughts open on the table.

Tip # 6. Keep a huge dose of humor in the medicine cabinet of your mind at all times. A laugh can break up tension of the most vicious variety. Not laughing at her, making her laugh with you. A smile. A giggle. A walk on the light side. Keep your laughter quota up by using any method you can find. Rent only comedies for a month, tell 4th grade jokes at dinner, silly dancing like Steve Martin or Ralph and Norton do. Remember how many people have healed broken health by using laughter to heal the heart? Practice, practice, practice this tip.

In summary, get to know who you are marrying, spend lots of time sharing ideas, discuss all your feelings, poetry and expectations before you are tied up in an exquisite knot from which it is very painful to escape. We do not aspire to be magicians. Growers of love is our aim.

©The right to download and store or output (e.g., print) materials found in Hudson Valley Weddings Web Site is granted for personal use only. Materials may not be reproduced in any edited form. Any other reproduction or editing by any means mechanical or electronic without the express written permission of Hudson Valley Weddings is strictly prohibited. Certain names, logos, and/or phrases on these pages may constitute trademarks or tradenames of Hudson Valley Weddings or its clients.