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Click Here to E-mail a question to the Wedding Guru. Every effort will be made to respond. Please understand that by asking your question, you are giving HudsonValleyWeddings.com permission to publish it on-line. We will not use your name, and will instead, substitute a fictitious one. We look forward to helping you. |
| Henry asks,"I was sure that both my children and I were excited about my upcoming marriage, until my oldest daughter, sixteen, came to me in tears. What she shared with me was her sadness about what she called our ‘forgetting about mom.' I assured her that I would never forget her decreased mother and that her mom's photos would always remain in our home. She said that wasn't enough and that we should remember her mother during my second marriage ceremony. Have you any ideas about ways in which we could include my first wife without hurting the feeling of my soon-to-be wife and her family?" Dear Henry,I'm sorry for your loss and can understand your daughter's pain. In circumstances such as yours, bringing the memory of a loved one into the wedding ceremony is especially appropriate. What you need to be looking for is a happy medium between recognizing your deceased wife, while not taking away the joy that is the essence of your second wedding. The question is how to do so. Your daughter is old enough to work with you on creating a new ritual, or incorporating one that has been used in the past by others. One symbolic act can be as simple as lighting a candle. You can opt to announce the meaning behind the act, or you can explain it in your program. Perhaps there is a poem that you and your children feel is appropriate to be read as part of the ceremony. Some families include a prayer during the ceremony, while others opt to have the children place flowers on the altar as a part of the processional. Some people choose a less public, but no less significant alternative. Each of the children is given something to wear that belonged to the parent being memorialized. It will be up to you and your children to decide who will actively perform the ritual. I should stress that whatever form you decide upon to memorialize your deceased wife, you need to get input and approval from your bride-to-be. If she is accepting your children as part of the "package" when she marries you, then she will probably not object to anything unless it's morose and puts an unnecessary damper on the festivities. With that in mind, I suggest a line or two in your wedding program explaining the ritual and its meaning, so that your guests will understand and be able to share the moment with you. Your objective should be predicated on your need to show your children, in a caring, significant way, that the memory of their mother is a part of the life you will build with them and your future wife. |
| Roberta asks, "My future husband and I are trying hard to make our wedding eco-friendly. Is there a way we can express this very serious aspect in our wedding invitations?" Dear Roberta,Because earth-friendly is such a hot top these days, businesses are rushing in to find products that fit that mold. One such item now on the market is a unique product that recycles itself because it is "plantable." The paper is embedded with wildflower seeds, which guests may plant at home. The paper is environmentally friendly and makes an unusual wedding favor and sets the tone for your eco-friendly philosophy. |
| Tara asks, "I'm having trouble figuring out what to use as party favors for my eco-friendly wedding reception. Any ideas?" Dear Tara, Here's a yummy and personal suggestion. Make or buy cookies and inscribe each with a name of a guest and their table number. |
| Laura asks, "I'm really looking forward to choosing my wedding gown, but I recall my best friend had a problem when she was shopping for her wedding. By the end of the day she couldn't remember one gown from the other and I'm concerned that the same thing will happen to me. Is there a way to remember that you can suggest?" Dear Laura, It's not tough to be confused and unable to remember details of gowns that you've looked at. I suggest that someone who is accompanying you takes along a digital (or regular) camera to "record" the wedding gowns and attendant dresses. In that way you can review them in the peace, quiet and comfort of your home, get the opinions of others you trust and narrow down the field. The photos will also serve as a tangible record of a once-in-your-lifetime experience. |
| Celia asks, "I have a large family and would very much like to have several group photos taken. How do I work out the logistics, so that can happen without annoying my guests and driving the photographer crazy?" Dear Celia, The trick here is to plan this in advance, rather than on your wedding day. First locate a spot where at your ceremony and/or reception venue that's out of the main area where your guests will congregate. Check to make sure that the backdrop area is wide enough so that no one in the photo will have a plant "growing out" of their head. Give each of the guests who will be involved a "road map" with directions to where the spot is and when each will need to be there. That being said, it is still wise to assign the roundup task to one of your close friends, or family who will recognize and be able to locate and corral the folks who are missing for the photo shoot. In the end, you'll be glad you made the effort. |
| Hillary asks, "I'm a bit embarrassed about asking my friends and family to serve as attendants at my wedding. Have you any hints as to how I can get past this?" Dear Hillary, Simply put, don't be afraid to ask for help, but when you do, explain that you will understand being turned down and explain that you'd rather a "no" up front than an uncompleted assignment later. Your honesty will be appreciated and you are less likely to be disappointed down the road?" |
| Alice asks, "Can a married person be a Maid of Honor and what do I call a married, or widowed ‘Best Man'?" Dear Alice, Neither the best man nor the maid of honor has to be unmarried. A married or widowed man retains the title "Best Man," while a married or widowed maid of honor is called a "Matron of Honor." Divorced honor attendants are okay to chose, but be sure that choice wouldn't offend your religious beliefs, or the sensitivities of your guests. Several Christian denominations have guidelines about who can be honor attendants. Some religions require that the official witnesses must be of the same the faith in which the ceremony is conducted. It's advisable, if you are having a religious ceremony, to check with your officiant. |
| Jeff asks," We're trying to trim our budget and have a friend shoot the video at our wedding. What's our feeling about that?" Dear Jeff,Your friends and family, if it all possible, should only be guests at your wedding. Asking a friend to take the video, is asking him or her not to fully enjoy and participate in the event. In addition to that, most nonprofessionals are not trained, so you can be quite sure that there will be important details missed. You would be much better off if you can trim your budget somewhere else. |
| Roberta asks, "I am fortunate to have a large family. My great-grandmother and all eight of our grandparents will be at our wedding. For some, this may be the last ‘official' family celebration they will attend. Other than "bringing" these special people to the photographer, how can I make absolutely sure that the photographer gets photos of them?" Dear Roberta, How lucky you are, indeed. To help ensure that photographer takes these critical shots, begin by describing each of your relatives to your photographer. Give him or her cues about your VIPs such as clothing, distinguishing characteristics, corsages/ boutonnieres. Better yet, provide the photographer with a list and paste thumbnail images of each right onto the paper. Last, but not least, delegate a family member who knows all, or most of these guests, to act as the gofer and corral these folks to the photographer's shooting spot. |
| Sheryl asks, "My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced from each other and have both remarried. I just heard that we are expected to pay for half of the rehearsal dinner. I just received an email from my ex husband with the quote from the caterer attached. He is assuming my husband and I are paying without any communication about this. What is the etiquette for this situation? If his dad and I were still married, he would not expect ME to pay half. I am not sure how to deal with this situation." Dear Sheryl, There is a "tradition" about who pays for what for a child's wedding, but these are just guideline and there are no wedding police to enforce the division of costs. The proper way to deal with wedding costs is for all the parties to sit down together, discuss, and work out the details to everyone's satisfaction. It's inappropriate to be sent costs that you are then told to pay. Please note that my sources say that the groom's site paying for the rehearsal dinner is optional. If you can't all get together, then maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your son and explain to him what you can and are willing to contribute to the wedding and to what degree, if any, you want to be included in the way the money is used. It seems quite clear that someone in your family needs to open and clear the lines of communication. I hope this helps and wish you much good luck. For more information check out our Wedding Guide article ""Your Budget and Budget Issues and Who Pays for What?" |
| Marryanne asks, "I'm having an outdoor, backyard wedding at mom and dad's home, which they so graciously have allowed us to use. I know they say that everyone talks about the weather, but nobody can do anything about. Can you offer any suggestions for being "weather-ready?" Dear Maryanne, There are lots of things you can do to "protect" yourself. Considered having a tent set up, because it not only works if it should rain, but also because it provides shade on a sunny day and a cooler environment for the food. If you plan to go ahead regardless of the weather, you can, in your invitations, ask guests to bring umbrellas just in case. As backup, you can have several large golf umbrellas available. If you live in an area that sometimes gets severe weather such as hurricanes, you may wish to consider Wedding Insurance. Many contracts cover postponements, or cancellations due to severe weather. For more information about wedding weather issues, check out the Wedding Guide article "Weather Related Problems and Solutions." |
| Vicky asks, "Most wedding venues no longer allow prospective brides to sneak in for a peak in order to hear what a band, or orchestra sound like. How can I get an idea of what these musicians sound like, before I hire them? I hate to go by looks and references alone." Dear Vicky, You are correct. This is a luxury that venues no longer provide. They have found it to be disruptive of the wedding in progress. To combat this, most live music groups have prepared a CD with samples of their different kinds of music they play. Some groups have one, or more vocalists and these too appear on the CD. Some more sophisticated professionals have prepared DVDs, so you can not only hear, but also see the group "live." Another way to catch a live glimpse is to visit bridal shows that have performances going on during the time the show is in progress. Call the show promoter in advance, so you can check credentials, before you see the group in action. You may also wish to ask to see still photos that the group has had taken at affairs they have played. For a listing of many of the regions bridal shows, Click Here. |
| Ginger asks, "We're a close family and will have lots of children attending our wedding. I know that children have very little patience and when they get bored, they get into trouble. Can you make some suggestions about how children can be included in the event and be made to feel important by doing so?" Dear Ginger, Aside from those children who are singled out as ring bearer, flower girl, and junior bridesmaids, there are any number of important roles that children can play in your wedding. It's critical that you speak to the children and parents of the children who are tapped for these jobs. Make it clear to the parents, as delicately as possible, that they need to keep an eye on their children and ensure that the tasks are completed. Here are some of the things that children can do. They can distribute wedding favors and/or programs to the guest. At the ceremony location they can distribute directions to the reception. Children can serve as escorts and greet the guests. A child with musical abilities can be the page turner for the organist or other soloist. Children can hand out flowers, as well as rice, birdseed, bubbles or confetti to the guests. One or more of the older children can take candid pictures of the family and bridal party, and/or serve as the "people pointer" and identify VIP guests to the photographer/videographers. Children can assist guests in finding seats at the ceremony and at the reception. After the reception, when the gifts are opened, allow the children in the family to open gifts and/or keep track (list) of who gave what. For a list with more kid-friendly ideas, check out our Wedding Guide article, "Kidding, or No Kidding." |
| Joan asks, "We have a situation where the reception is being held in the church hall. We are using white grape juice and ginger ale punch. Both the Bride and Groom are underage (19 years old). The Pastor says we may not toast the couple even with punch because it denotes alcohol. Our belief is we will be wishing the best to and honoring the young couple and alcohol is not an issue.
Is there any precedent we can share with her to show that alcohol is not the important ingredient in a toast, but instead it's the message given. Surely alcoholic and medically restricted persons can toast as well as our youngsters. We need something to back us up. Any help you can give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you." Dear Joan, I certainly understand your wish to have a celebratory toast, a tradition that dates back hundreds of years. There are, however, minor children involved and setting an example for them is what's critical. Your pastor's objection is much like not allowing children to "smoke" candy cigarettes. The least important part of a toast is whatever's in the glasses. The most significant are the words that are said to honor the couple. Eliminate the punch toast and create new tradition. Hold a candle aloft to toast the couple with light. Recite the words of the toast to honor them. Or, look up the language that different flowers represent. Check out the article in our Wedding Guide. Create a bouquet of flowers with special significance that you include in the toast and hand the bouquet to the couple. This may not be what you wanted to hear, but this mom of three grown children thinks that setting good examples for our children is more important than any ritual, no matter how old. |
| Susan asks, "Our daughter is getting married this October. She and her fiancé have been living together for a number of years and both have established careers. While they don't own a home, they do stay in a very nice place on the beach, fully furnished. Our eight year old granddaughter will be the "flower girl." Her sisters and his will be their bridesmaids/ushers.
His family is affluent, while we are not. We are middle class folks. They His understand the situation and have committed $2000 toward the cost of the wedding. I'm confused as to what is expected that we should contribute. I was to try to do what's acceptable." Dear Susan: Traditionally, the brides' parents "make" the wedding, but certainly it'd not etched in stone. Their contribution has and always will be a gift. When considered as such, the amount is always up to the parents. When it comes to "older" couples who marry, who have been on their own, the contribution of parents becomes even more voluntary. Especially if you are of limited means, your daughter, I would hope, will understand that you can't pay for the entire wedding (minus his parents' contribution). Under no circumstances should parents, or the bridal couple, for that matter, ever go into debt to hold a wedding. Sit down with your husband and decide what you can and/or are willing to contribute. Keep in mind that there are "incidental expenses" like your dress, your husband's tux rental and the like for which you will also need to budget. Then sit down with your daughter and her future husband and tell them your decision. You are under no obligation to explain how or why you came to the dollar amount. The couple, I trust, will be mature enough to gratefully accept your gift and thank you for it, not matter how much it is. |
| Sheryl asks, "My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced from each other and have both remarried. I just heard that we are expected to pay for half of the rehearsal dinner. I just received an email from my ex husband with the quote from the caterer attached. He is assuming my husband and I are paying without any communication about this. What is the etiquette for this situation? If his dad and I were still married, he would not expect ME to pay half. I am not sure how to deal with this situation." Dear Sheryl, There is a "tradition" about who pays for what for a child's wedding, but these are just guideline and there are no wedding police to enforce the division of costs. The proper way to deal with wedding costs is for all the parties to sit down together, discuss, and work out the details to everyone's satisfaction. It's inappropriate to be sent costs that you are then told to pay. Please note that my sources say that the groom's site paying for the rehearsal dinner is optional. If you can't all get together, then maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your son and explain to him what you can and are willing to contribute to the wedding and to what degree, if any, you want to be included in the way the money is used. It seems quite clear that someone in your family needs to open and clear the lines of communication. I hope this helps and wish you much good luck. For complete information about "Your Budget and Budget Issues and Who Pays for What." |
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