Questions & Answers : The Wedding Guru

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Joyce asks,"I'm trying to get someone to answer a question for me, as I need some advice. My son has been married before and will be getting remarried to a girl who has never been married. My question is this: Should our son's new fiance send out wedding invitations to his side of the family since it's his second wedding."

Dear Joyce: The groom's side should certainly get invitations, but since it's his second marriage, limiting his guest list to immediate family and close friends would be best.

Bob asks,"Much of my family is low-tech and have neither a computer (for MapQuest), or a GPS. Is there a way I can mark the route to our reception and keep them from getting lost. Remember, it's got to be really low tech.?"

Dear Bob: You could try the old fashioned balloon route. Place balloons at strategic places along the way and hope that they don't get torn down, or blow away. Of course, the best way is to design a directions card that you put into the invitations. Make sure that you travel the route you have written, several times. Doing this correctly is not an easy a task, because details!

Shelley asks,"I know that you're going to tell me that I'm being neurotic, but I really can't get past the idea that something "awful" will happen to ruin my wedding day. With that in mind, I offer the following challenge. Can you tell me what you think are a few of the very best tricks to keep in mind when it comes to solving wedding day problems?"

Dear Shelley: First let me sure you that you're not being neurotic. It's perfectly normal to be concerned about problems that may arise on your wedding day and it's equally normal to prepare for his many of those as you can. Here are a few of my favorites.

I can't tell you how many times I have crawled around on the floor looking for an earring back. I dropped them, probably because I usually put on my earrings as I'm leaving the house, and almost always, I'm in a rush. Should it happen to you, I suggest using a piece of the eraser on the end of the pencil, a piece of cork and, if all else fails, try piece of chewing gum… And yes, I have done that!

Many a bride has told me that when the boutonnieres are being pinned on the ushers, one or more of the blooms has broken off. As a quick fix, if you've really come prepared, a glue gun will work to reattach the blossom, as well as inserting a flower, either from the centerpiece or from the bride's bouquet will work. But, I think that in order to be prepared, ordering a few extra boutonnieres is the best idea.

Here's one that I used at the wedding of one of my daughters. No sooner had I gotten on the dance floor, then the heel of one of my shoes broke off. With no Krazy Glue available, I did the best next thing, and broke off the heel from the other shoe. For me it was a good excuse to not have to dance in high heels.

Last but not least, make sure to bring along some clear nail polish and masking tape. The polish will be very effective in stopping a run in your stockings and the masking tape can be used for such things as securing a torn hem.

The best advice that I can give you is, if there's a mishap, take a deep breath and count to 10. It's been my experience that guests rarely notice the glitches that may seem so important to you as the bride.

Leslie asks,"My first cousin got married last year. The ceremony took place in front of a judge in the judge's chambers. She wore a beautiful white wedding gown. Her then fiancé, now her husband, was shipping out for military duty and there was no time to plan a full-blown wedding. Her closest relatives, me included, attended, but it was a small quick event. There was a small buffet after the ceremony. Some of those present took photos, as there was no professional photographer present. We all sent her photos and she posted them on the web.

Her husband is back from Iraq and now my cousin is planning the "wedding she never had." She calls it her "real wedding" and intends to follow the ceremony with a large, elaborate reception. What do the rules of etiquette have to say about what seems very "off" to me?"

Dear Leslie: According to the rules of strictest etiquette, the couple is already married, so this event she is planning is what as kids we called a "do-over," but it's not a "real wedding." That being said and especially because of the circumstances that necessitated a quick wedding, I would cut the couple a lot of slack. If it makes you more comfortable, look at as his coming home party, which I'm sure you will agree is, indeed, a cause for celebration. Personally I believe in taking any opportunity to have a party. So, good for her!! As for you, go and have a good time.

A Mother of the Groom asks,
I have so looked forward to my son getting married that I was thrilled when he and his lovely girlfriend announced their engagement and their anticipated wedding date. My joy was short-lived, because just a short time later a very deal cousin announced her engagement and her anticipated wedding date. I can't believe it, but both my son and my cousin have chosen the same date. My primary concern is that many of the guests will be invited to both weddings and probably will come to me for a solution. What can I tell them, so that everyone will be happy?

Dear MOG: This is an issue not for you to handle, but rather to defer to the two couples in question. It would be sad to make relatives choose between the two weddings. If the two couples can have a sit-down, there are accommodations they can each make, so that everyone comes out a winner. Assuming they haven't already put down a deposit at the venue they have chosen, one of the couples can move to another date, even in the same weekend. Or, perhaps they can schedule one wedding for the daytime and the other in the evening. If your cousin and your son are close and there are many overlapping guests, they might consider a double wedding. The bottom line is that the two couples have o sit down and together work out what will be a best-case scenario. Someone once said that a good compromise is one where everyone walks away equally unhappy. I think that the reverse can be true in this situation if the couples are reasonable and solution-oriented.

Bethany asks,"Do you know the rules about sending pre-wedding invites? I’m choosing my venue based on the number of family and friends who can attend, instead of a fixed number of guests. This way, we can invite as many of our friends and family as possible. Our pre-wedding invitation basically asks our guests to respond ASAP; if they R.S.V.P. ‘yes,’ we’ll pick our venue (based on the number of ‘yes’ responses), and then let the guests know the details. (Essentially we don’t ask them to respond a second time.) Have you heard of anyone doing this? If so, please let me know and give me whatever feedback and suggestions you may have."

Dear Bethany: I love the idea and I’m sure your family and friends will be delighted; however, the process seems a bit complicated, no? Many bridal couples send out “Save the Date” cards so friends and families can hold the date — but these “pre-invitations” don’t usually require a response from the guest. To accomplish your goal, you should probably nix the “Save the Date” cards altogether and use your “pre-invitation” cards instead. But I’d recommend using different verbiage; try adding some instructions (keep it simple) about what you’re doing. [Editor’s note: How about: “Since we’re choosing our venue based on your availability — and to ensure that as many of our loved ones as possible can attend this joyous occasion — please include your prompt R.S.V.P. with this card.”] That way, your guests will understand that you’re not just using the typical “A” and “B” list; you’re establishing the number of your guests and afterwards picking the venue. Good luck!

Maria asks,"Our daughter's wedding cost about $10,000, and we also gave her and our son-in-law $2,000 as a wedding gift. Since we’ll spend considerably less on our son's wedding — we’re paying only for the rehearsal dinner, alcohol, groom’s cake (if he wants one), and some of the corsages and boutonnieres — we’re not sure how much we should give our son and future daughter-in-law as a wedding gift. I think we should give more than what we gave our daughter to ‘make up’ for the money we spent on her wedding. We don’t want to do the wrong thing. Can you help?"

Dear Maria: First off, let me say how lucky your children are to have you as parents! Your generosity and attempt at fairness is commendable, and I hope they appreciate their good fortune.

That said, what you spent on your daughter (including the price of the wedding and the amount you gave her as a present) were gifts. Neither was your obligation. That holds true for your son as well. According to the strictest etiquette, you’d actually be correct in spending less in total (i.e., wedding expenses plus wedding gift) on your son than on your daughter. However, the times have changed! Today, parents of bridal couples veer away from differentiating between what they give a son as opposed to what they spend on a daughter. Equality is the name of the game.

So... if you have the financial wherewithal to give your son and future daughter-in-law a gift that equals the total of what you gave your daughter and son-in-law, go ahead and do it if you’d like! Treating your children equally can never come back to “bite” you. Of course, make sure you remind them what great parents you are!

Sophie asks,
"Help! My husband and I were invited by a woman to her daughter’s wedding. I’ve spoken to this woman no more than five times in my entire life — in passing. So, basically, I don't know her or her husband. I asked my husband why we were invited, and he’s clueless! I don’t know why we were included, and we’re not interested in attending. Do we still need to send a gift? Why do people do things like this? Looking forward to your thoughts on this one..."

Dear Sophie: I understand your frustration. Perhaps this woman has a very small group of friends and family and feels your company would make the wedding somehow more pleasant? (Of course, it’d be a better idea if she held the wedding in an intimate setting and invited only her real friends and family.) Or maybe she’s simply looking for a gift? Tacky!

Anyhow, you most certainly need not send a gift. I recommend that you write a note (or a “Congratulations on Your Wedding” card) and mail it to her for her daughter. You can be classy even if they’re not!

Melony asks,"I’m the mother of two boys who are both engaged, so I’ve been watching how the weddings of our friends and family are planned. It troubles me that most of the planning falls exclusively to the bride and her parents! The guys (and their parents) seem to be left out of almost everything. Since we’re all contributing financially, shouldn’t we all be actively involved in the planning?"

Dear Melony: I absolutely agree! Most bridal couples these days receive financial assistance from both sets of parents. Since you’re sharing expenses, there’s no question that you should be included in some of the decision-making process of how that money is used. Of course, if that isn’t assumed by the other party, then you should chat with the bridal couple and her parents and make it clear that you expect to be in the planning loop. If you do that in a positive way — emphasizing that you two want to help (not control) — it will hopefully be accepted and integrated.

In most of the weddings I’ve attended, the groom certainly helps plan the wedding. Because grooms today tend to be older (and perhaps wiser), they want their opinions to count, so they’re more invested in initiating plans and making significant decisions. When it’s time for your sons to tie the knot, make sure they understand that it’s their absolute right to participate.

However, keep in mind that some grooms are just as happy not to be involved; they trust their bride (or a planner) to design the wedding entirely. Before you rock the boat, make sure you and your sons are all on the same wavelength about the degree of participation.

Nayla asks,"My fiancé has warned me that his family is notorious about responding to invitations. It's my understanding that many of them simply assume that somehow we will know that they are coming to our wedding, even if they do not send back the RSVP. How do I handle family members who "sit on" the invitation?"

Dear Nayla: There is no excuse for not responding to an invitation by the cutoff date. It simply rude to do so, but unfortunately there are people who feel that they are "above the law." There also are people who simply forget, or think that their spouse took care of it. Either way, the best way to respond is to simply pick up the phone and explain that you need to have their response so you can create. If they haven't made up their minds, you can tell them that you'll give them a couple of days to think about it. If you still don't get a response, write a note, or drop an e-mail explaining your disappointment that they will not be joining you to share your special day. That usually works. Another way to diplomatically handle the situation is to ask one of your bridesmaids to make the call, so the that way, you alleviate the embarrassment of speaking to you directly.

This kind of problem tends to be somewhat alleviated by giving guests advanced notice in a "Save the Date" card. That way they have lots of time to think before the actual invitation arrives. Take a lesson from these guests and make sure that when you send out your thank you notes, you do so in a timely manner.

Nora asks,"I really want to make a good impression on my guests, but find myself totally confused about the different printing processes that are available. Can you give me a short course?"

Dear Nora:There are three basic types of printing techniques. The first is the engraved invitation. It is the most formal and most expensive. When you run your finger over the type on an engraved invitation, you can feel the raised printing. The second technique is thermography. It has the same feel as an engraved invitation, but it's not quite sharp. It's less expensive then engraving and widely used today. The third technique is offset printing. It's the most common form of printing and the type used for printing books and magazines. In this technique, the letters are not raised away from the paper. Instead, the printing is flat, which makes it less expensive looking. The good news with offset printing is that images and complicated artwork are manageable, where they would not be with engraving or thermography.

For those who are very budget-conscious, invitations can be "printed" off a computer. Besides the cost-saving, the advantage of wedding invitations from your computer is that you can choose from any number of font faces and, when you make a mistake, you're not "digging into" a set number of invitations. That means that you can't ever really run out of invitations.

It's important to note that some paper stock lends itself better to one type of printing technique, than to another. It is for that reason that it's very important to be deal with a professional printer who has seen the end results of different techniques on different types of paper. A commercial printer will be happy to make recommendations to you and willing to show you a printed proof, so that you can see for yourself how the type looks on the paper that you've chosen.

Eileen asks,"My parents are throwing us an engagement party. Is it okay to invite guests to that party, yet not invite them to our wedding?"

Dear Eileen: This one's easy. The answer is absolutely "No." It would be really tacky and look like a request for a gift to do so. Engagement-party guests should and can assume that they will also be invited to your wedding.

Shelby asks, "My sister got engaged about two months before I did and immediately picked and booked a date in October of next year. It has always been my dream to have an outdoor Fall wedding in the Hudson Valley, because the colors are so gorgeous at that time of year. October is a slow month for my husband at work, so that also would work well for us. Here's my problem. My sister and I will be "overlapping" many of our guests. Am I being selfish asking guests to attend two weddings in the same month?"

Dear Shelby: It certainly could be pose a problem for guests to attend two weddings in such close proximity. It may place a financial burden on some and it's tough say how this will play out. Some may simply not come one of the two weddings. Some may choose to reduce the cost of the gift they purchase and give of you less. Some may choose not to attend either wedding, so as not to insult either one of you. Since your sister has already picked and booked the date, perhaps you and your fiancé can rethink the date.

There's one issue you didn't address in your question. If your parents are covering, or contributing to the two weddings, you may be putting them in a tough place financially. If they are participating financially, then you really do have to talk to them about whether they can handle the two events so close together. When push comes to shove, you may have to rethink your choice of a date. After all, every season in the Hudson Valley, even the winter, has its own beautiful aspects. For information about planning a winter wedding in the Valley, check out our Wedding Guide article ""Winter Weddings in the Hudson Valley" at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/winter_weddings.htm

Last, but not least, you might want to consider the option of a double wedding. That would be a "win-win." You and your sister would get the date you want, it would relieve some pressure on your guests, and, for your parents, it would be less expensive that two separate weddings.

Frank asks, "I really want to be helpful and work with my fiancee on planning our wedding. I'm told that the first decision should be the date, which we have already chosen. We have also decided to get married in the church that my fiancee's and her parents attend. That brings us to selecting a location for our reception. I am totally overwhelmed and don't know where, or how to start. Can you give me some direction?"

Dear Frank: Unlike what it was in years past, it's not unusual for prospective grooms to participate in planning their weddings. It's my pleasure to help you with the process of selecting a reception venue. Begin with a focal point, which in your case is the location of your ceremony. Then, take a map and draw several circles around the focal point. Start with a circle at 5 miles, then continued to 10, 20 and so on. Next decide on how far you are comfortable with your guests and your wedding professionals traveling from the church to the reception. Make note of the cities and towns that are included in your ‘circles' and then research who the vendors are within that area. Some vendors, like your florist, should be close by. Unless they have an air-conditioned van, the closer the fresher. The rehearsal dinner should also be as close as possible to your focal point. Other professionals, like your photographer, can be further out of range. Keep in mind that some vendors need to charge you for travel time, so you may be saving money by hiring local pros.

When you have narrowed down your playing field, make appointments and visit the venues you have selected, so you can make your choice based on the other important factors such as price and capacity.

Beth asks, "My boyfriend and I just got engaged. We have decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. So that we don't start making enemies, how much parental advice are we obligated to accept?"

Dear Beth: If you are picking up the entire tab for your wedding, then strictly speaking, you don't have to accept any advice. Do I think that's a good idea? Certainly not. Weddings are all about family and, although you have every right to do everything your way, you can easily make your parents happy by including them in the planning process and including their suggestions and/or wishes into making your choices.

The best way to do that is to sit down with your parents and discuss the ideas that you have. Then, give them an opportunity to express their vision for your wedding. That first meeting should end with your telling your folks that you'll take everything they said under advisement and that you'll get back to them soon.

Next, you and your fiancé should talk about ways in which you can bend a bit to incorporate some of your parents' input. Once you have done that, arrange another meeting to tell them the ways in which you are willing to compromise (without foregoing what you really want). For example, if your mother has always dreamed that you would war her wedding gown and you want to buy a new gown, take a part of the fabric from her dress and make the cover for the ring bearers pillow. You could, perhaps, take her veil and have a seamstress incorporate it into yours. If his parents want a formal sit-down reception and you prefer an informal one with no reserved tables, you could compromise by assigning a few tables for your patents older friends and relatives, while leaving the remaining seats unassigned.

When all is said and done, when you have compromised where you are comfortable doing so, the final decision is up to you.

Hillary asks,"My fiancé surprised me with a really large engagement ring, which I adore. My problem is that it has led to people asking me really uncomfortable questions about the size if the diamond, the quality of the stone, how much my boyfriend paid for it, and one friend actually asked me if the stone was real. I find myself stammering with replies. I want to be respectful, but what I would really like to say is ‘congratulate me and mind your own business.' Any ideas about how I can respond more tactfully?"

Dear Hillary, Of course you're right about not responding with rudeness for rudeness. It never ceases to amaze me how some people totally forget the concept of an engagement and instead focus on money. There are a few ways in which you can respond. Here are a few of my suggestions:
"It's not the size of the ring that matters to me. It's the loving gesture that I really care about."
"I'm sorry, but I feel really uncomfortable talking about that."
"I have no idea. I wouldn't ask my fiancé that questions."
"It's probably more than my fiancé should have spent and I love it."
You could turn the tables on the person asking the questions, with "Why do you want to know?" Perhaps that will get the message across. I commend you for keeping your cool and for being gracious in response to such inappropriate behavior.

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Tina asks, "How improper would it be to ‘recycle' a wedding ring from a first marriage? I have a beautiful diamond engagement ring/wedding set from my previous marriage. My fiancé and I are both financially strapped right now and he really can't afford to buy me a ring. We both agree that we don't want to announce our engagement publicly until we have a ring, because it seems like the first thing everyone asks is: ‘Where's the ring?'. Would it be so terrible to have the diamond set in a different setting and create a new ring, with the same materials?"

Dear Tina: You and your boyfriend are being very level headed. I congratulate you.
In answer to your question, no, it would not be inappropriate to use the diamond and put it into a new setting. I checked with Kingston Fine Jewelry and asked about the price for a new setting. I was told that a plain solitaire setting in white, or yellow gold would be about $250. In platinum, you'd be looking at $750 for a solitaire setting. Then the price goes up as high as you choose. Once the ring is reset, no one has to know its "origin."

Make sure that when you bring the "old" ring to a jeweler that it's someone you trust. Also, keep in mind that if at some time in the future you want to "trade up," you put the current stone's value toward one that is of better quality and/or larger.

If you and your fiancé are interested in learning about the old and new "traditions" relating to engagement rings, check out these articles in HudsonValleyWeddings.com's Wedding Guide, "Engagement and Wedding Rings: The Old and the New of Them . . . and Engagement Ring Facts," at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/rings.htm, and, just for fun, "Engagement Ring Trivia" at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/ring-trivia.htm

Megan asks,, "How improper would it be to ‘recycle' a wedding ring from a first marriage? I have a beautiful diamond engagement ring/wedding set from my previous marriage. My fiancé and I are both financially strapped right now and he really can't afford to buy me a ring. We both agree that we don't want to announce our engagement publicly until we have a ring, because it seems like the first thing everyone asks is: ‘Where's the ring?'. Would it be so terrible to have the diamond set in a different setting and create a new ring, with the same materials?"

Dear Megan: Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. If you're looking for a non-traditional venue, the Hudson Valley is the right place to find it. There are any number of non-traditional sites in the Valley. You might consider an historic site, which could be a restored or preserved historic setting, or a site decorated in vintage style such as Victorian or roaring twenties. Most historic sites ask for a fee that is paid to rent the location. Many do not provide food or beverages. Ask the site manager for a list of recommended caterers. Make certain that the kitchen and all other facilities are adequate for the number of people and type of meal you are having.

Another lovely venue for a wedding is aboard a boat. A ship, or yacht can be charming locations. If you decide on an at-sea wedding, you might consider a nautical theme to go along with the location. Part of the success of a shipboard wedding is tied to weather conditions, so your choice of dates should be based on when the waters are their calmest.

Some local museums and art galleries have event facilities and will rent their spaces. Keep in mind that some restrictions may apply such as the size of party, music, and deposit (for damages). Be sure that you are willing to acclimate to these parameters before you book this non-traditional venue.

Being creative is great, but you should know that the less conforming a site is, the more difficult it will be to plan. Go for it and have fun!

Adam asks,"We are trying to keep the cost down for our wedding and are thinking about printing our invitations off our printer. My bride thinks it's not a good idea. What do you think?

Dear Adam: Do-it-yourself invitations work, but keep it is an arduous, time-consuming task. When making your decision, weigh the savings against the value of your time and energy and may choose to leave the invitations to the professionals.

Charlene asks,"We would like to reflect our environmental consciousness with the centerpieces we use for our wedding and, perhaps even save some money. What do you suggest as an alternative to traditional floral centerpieces?"

Dear Charlene, Potted plants, especially flowering ones make an earth-aware statement. You might even consider growing them yourself. What's particularly lovely about such "arrangements" is that your guests can take the plants home, plant them in the garden and have them as a repeated reminder of your wedding.

Sheryl asks,"My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced from each other and have both remarried. I just heard that we are expected to pay for half of the rehearsal dinner. I just received an email from my ex husband with the quote from the caterer attached. He is assuming my husband and I are paying without any communication about this. What is the etiquette for this situation? If his dad and I were still married, he would not expect ME to pay half. I am not sure how to deal with this situation."

Dear Sheryl: There is a "tradition" about who pays for what for a child's wedding, but these are just guideline and there are no wedding police to enforce the division of costs. The proper way to deal with wedding costs is for all the parties to sit down together, discuss, and work out the details to everyone's satisfaction. It's inappropriate to be sent costs that you are then told to pay. Please note that my sources say that the groom's site paying for the rehearsal dinner is optional. If you can't all get together, then maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your son and explain to him what you can and are willing to contribute to the wedding and to what degree, if any, you want to be included in the way the money is used. It seems quite clear that someone in your family needs to open and clear the lines of communication. I hope this helps and wish you much good luck. For complete information about ""Your Budget and Budget Issues" and "Who Pays for What," visit HudsonValleyWeddings.com's Guide article at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/budget.htm

Sam asks, "Some of my guests are vegetarians and one is a vegan. Can you tell me the difference?"

Dear Sam: A vegetarian is some who eats no meat, fish, shellfish or poultry. Some vegetarians catagorize what they will not eat as "anything that has a face." A vegan is someone who will eat nothing at all containing an animal product. That includes products which have nothing to do with causing an animal's death to obtain the product. Vegans eat neither eggs nor dairy products. Many vegans also avoid honey and refined (white) sugar.

Lisa asks,"When and how did the tradition of a bride wearing a white wedding gown begin?"

Dear Lisa: The earliest record of a white wedding gown appears in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. Early Egyptians believed that white was a color that symbolized both celebration and virginity. In more "modern" times, Queen Victoria broke from Middle Age custom and wore a white wedding gown.

Outdoor weddings present their own challenges. As always, a bit of preplanning on your part will make the event run more smoothly. It's important with such a wedding for you to manage not only the logistics of your part in the celebration, but also that of your guests. You don't, after all the effort you put into planning your wedding, for it to be the one where all the guests got sunburns. For more about "Outdoors, Backyard and At-Home Weddings" go to HudsonValleyWedding.com's Wedding Guide article at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/backyard.htm

Dana asks, "I'm having my ceremony outdoors and am concerned that my white pumps will get dirty even before the affair starts. What can I do?"

Dear Dana: While you are "walking around" outdoors before the ceremony begins, take two, medium to large sized plastic bags, split them front and back and secure them with plastic tape (front and back).

Helen asks, "We're lucky to have a very large number of wedding attendants, but I'm concerned that I won't find a vehicle that will fit them all. Can you help?"

Dear Helen: Not to worry. There are six, eight, ten, and more passenger vehicles. Not every limousine company carries large vehicles, so check around and you will find someone who can accommodate you and your attendants comfortably.

Carol asks, "What is the appropriate tip for the drivers of our limousines?"

Dear Carol: The standard tip of 15% is customary and 20% may be given for really good service. Sometimes tips are included in the price quoted, so make sure to ask when you book.

CJ asks, "For which of my guests is it traditional for me to furnish transportation?"

Dear CJ:Traditionally, you will need to provide limousine service to the ceremony for yourself and your dad, your mother and any children in the wedding party. Provide transportation to the reception venue for yourself and your groom, attendants, and your parents. Finally, provide return transportation from the reception venue for all of the above. If the budget allows, additional transportation may be provided for special guests, grandparents, or anyone else you wish to treat.

Jonathan asks, "We're having a very informal wedding, but my ‘bride' wants a limousine to drive her to the church. I say that's not a good fit. Am I right and what can I offer as an alternative means of transportation?"

Dear Jonathan, In the strictest sense, you are correct. The type of transportation you select should suit the style of your wedding. A stretch limo is fine for a traditional wedding, but would be a poor match for a backyard barbecue. That being said, it's really up to the two of you. Consider the fact that a limo is your future bride's dream and you may, in the end, decide to break with etiquette.

Helen asks, "We're lucky to have a very large number of wedding attendants, but I'm concerned that I won't find a vehicle that will fit them all. Can you help?"

Dear Helen: Not to worry. There are six, eight, ten, and more passenger vehicles. Not every limousine company carries large vehicles, so check around and you will find someone who can accommodate you and your attendants comfortably.

Carol asks, "What is the appropriate tip for the drivers of our limousines?"

Dear Carol:The standard tip of 15% is customary and 20% may be given for really good service. Sometimes tips are included in the price quoted, so make sure to ask when you book.

CJ asks "For which of my guests is it traditional for me to furnish transportation?"

Dear CJ,Traditionally, you will need to provide limousine service to the ceremony for yourself and your dad, your mother and any children in the wedding party. Provide transportation to the reception venue for yourself and your groom, attendants, and your parents. Finally, provide return transportation from the reception venue for all of the above. If the budget allows, additional transportation may be provided for special guests, grandparents, or anyone else you wish to treat.

Ellen asks,"I'm having my wedding ceremony in my neighborhood church. The reception is not until much later in the evening. Our out–of-town, weekend guests will be staying at nearby motels and hotels, but the majority of our guests will be driving in from between two and three hours away. I'm at a loss as to what I can I do with/for my guests between church in the morning and the party at night?"

Dear Ellen, As a good hostess it's your job to ensure that your guests are the most comfortable that they can be. Your quandary is not an unusual one, but the answer will require a little work on your part. Check out the area for a restaurant or lounge that might accommodate your guests and perhaps supply them with light refreshments. You will try to find a place that has a separate room where your guests can meet one another and hang out until the reception.

If you want to kick the solution up a notch, check out local hotels and motels. If it's an off season for them, they might be willing to give you an hourly room rate and more than one couple can share a room. If your reception is being held at a hotel, the "fix" might be easier. If there is a spa in the area, you can pamper your guests with spa treatments. A hotel/motel room and a spa will each also give your guests a place to change out of morning clothing and into party clothes.

Donna asks,"My future mother-in-law wants very much to be a part of planning our wedding. She's a bright and capable person and caring as well, but she is also prone to taking control. I want my future husband and me to be in the driver's seat. How do I keep her under control?"

Dear Donna, You have every right as the bridal couple to be in charge and get the final say on planning your wedding. What I suggest is that you assign your future mother-in-law several specific tasks. You can, for example, ask her to get price quotes from a list of vendor's that you have prescreened. You can ask her to scope out jewelry shops and come back to you with a list of possible gifts for your attendants, along with the prices of the items, or you can ask her to verify the addresses on your guest list. With these very specific assignments, your mom-in-law will feel needed, but she will be given boundaries. That should make for a happy medium. When she's done with an assignment, make sure you thank her for saving you time and effort and then, give her another task for which she will be "in charge."

For information about the parents of the prospective bride and groom, check out the HudsonValleyWeddings.com article "Roles and Responsibilities of the Mother and Father of the Bride" at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/mom-dad.htm

Sam asks,"My fiancee and I had just started to plan our wedding when I got orders to Iraq. I feel like there's no time to plan a ‘real' wedding, but we would both hate to miss having this special day in our lives. What do you suggest?"

Dear Sam, First let me wish you the very best of luck on your tour of duty. I'm grateful for your service to our country. The numbers of military weddings and the numbers of weddings before service people go overseas continues to rise. Many of these before-I-go weddings are short, sweet and quickly-planned. Some couples have found that hiring a wedding planner will "allow" them to plan a quick, but "full-blown" affair.

If you opt for a military wedding, you may be interested in reading an article on HudsonValleyWeddings.com called "Arch of Swords (Sabers) Ceremony , The Rules & Regulations of a Military Wedding" at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/military.htm. Other couples are just not in the mood for an elaborate wedding and would like to savor the joy of planning their special day. For those couples, the thing to do is to hold a ceremony in a house of worship, or a judge's chambers with immediate family and very close friends in attendance. Then, when your tour of duty is over, you can take your time and enjoy planning your wedding minus all the pressure that you have on you now. Whatever you decide to do, my congratulations and best wishes are with you.

Robert, father of the bride, asks,"Although we are not really going over the top, my daughter's wedding will be an expensive proposition. I know that unforseen circumstances can sometimes occur. Is there any way to "protect" our investment?"

Dear Robert, I understand your concern and don't think it's unfounded. From your question I assume that you are footing the bill for your daughter's wedding. It absolutely makes sense to anticipate the worst case scenario. Fortunately there is a solution, wedding insurance. Insurance companies have jumped on board and many now offer such coverage. The details of individual policies vary from company to company, but can include such things as bad weather, wedding professional no-shows, or one of the bridal couple getting sick. Some policies extend to covering damaged property, or the "disappearance" of gifts. Prices also vary, but most run in the vicinity of 1% of the total cost for the wedding. This is a good example of "better safe than sorry." For more information, check out "More About Wedding Insurance" at http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/insurance-more.htm on HudsonValleyWeddings.com's Wedding Guide.

Jerry asks,"I'm getting ready to pop the question, which means it's time to look for an engagement ring. My bride is very fashion conscious, so have you any suggestions?"

Dear Jerry, The look and style of engagement rings, change from year to year. The current hot trend is away from the traditional "white" round diamond, to colored or, as they are known in the diamond trade, "fancy" stones. These expensive stones run the gamut in color from red to blue to yellow, with price tags that can be in the millions. Although many brides will still favor the traditional round cut, the hot cut is the Asscher, a square emerald-cut stone. When you make your selection, keep in mind that this is a ring that she will wear every day of her life, so it's also important to keep in mind the ring setting and make sure that it "fits" her life style.

Although more and more bridal couples are planning and paying for much of their own weddings, in most instances, the parents of the bride and the parents of the groom make a financial contribution toward the event. It's tough, especially for financial independent bridal couples, to accept suggestions and include their parents in wedding planning. In my book, whether or not the moms and dads offer financial assistance, they can and should be involved in planning the wedding. Their experience and expertise is a value resource that bridal couples ought not to ignore.

Henry asks,"I was sure that both my children and I were excited about my upcoming marriage, until my oldest daughter, sixteen, came to me in tears. What she shared with me was her sadness about what she called our ‘forgetting about mom.' I assured her that I would never forget her decreased mother and that her mom's photos would always remain in our home. She said that wasn't enough and that we should remember her mother during my second marriage ceremony. Have you any ideas about ways in which we could include my first wife without hurting the feeling of my soon-to-be wife and her family?"

Dear Henry,I'm sorry for your loss and can understand your daughter's pain. In circumstances such as yours, bringing the memory of a loved one into the wedding ceremony is especially appropriate. What you need to be looking for is a happy medium between recognizing your deceased wife, while not taking away the joy that is the essence of your second wedding. The question is how to do so. Your daughter is old enough to work with you on creating a new ritual, or incorporating one that has been used in the past by others. One symbolic act can be as simple as lighting a candle. You can opt to announce the meaning behind the act, or you can explain it in your program. Perhaps there is a poem that you and your children feel is appropriate to be read as part of the ceremony. Some families include a prayer during the ceremony, while others opt to have the children place flowers on the altar as a part of the processional. Some people choose a less public, but no less significant alternative. Each of the children is given something to wear that belonged to the parent being memorialized. It will be up to you and your children to decide who will actively perform the ritual.

I should stress that whatever form you decide upon to memorialize your deceased wife, you need to get input and approval from your bride-to-be. If she is accepting your children as part of the "package" when she marries you, then she will probably not object to anything unless it's morose and puts an unnecessary damper on the festivities. With that in mind, I suggest a line or two in your wedding program explaining the ritual and its meaning, so that your guests will understand and be able to share the moment with you.

Your objective should be predicated on your need to show your children, in a caring, significant way, that the memory of their mother is a part of the life you will build with them and your future wife.

Roberta asks, "My future husband and I are trying hard to make our wedding eco-friendly. Is there a way we can express this very serious aspect in our wedding invitations?"

Dear Roberta,Because earth-friendly is such a hot top these days, businesses are rushing in to find products that fit that mold. One such item now on the market is a unique product that recycles itself because it is "plantable." The paper is embedded with wildflower seeds, which guests may plant at home. The paper is environmentally friendly and makes an unusual wedding favor and sets the tone for your eco-friendly philosophy.

Tara asks, "I'm having trouble figuring out what to use as party favors for my eco-friendly wedding reception. Any ideas?"

Dear Tara, Here's a yummy and personal suggestion. Make or buy cookies and inscribe each with a name of a guest and their table number.

Laura asks, "I'm really looking forward to choosing my wedding gown, but I recall my best friend had a problem when she was shopping for her wedding. By the end of the day she couldn't remember one gown from the other and I'm concerned that the same thing will happen to me. Is there a way to remember that you can suggest?"

Dear Laura, It's not tough to be confused and unable to remember details of gowns that you've looked at. I suggest that someone who is accompanying you takes along a digital (or regular) camera to "record" the wedding gowns and attendant dresses. In that way you can review them in the peace, quiet and comfort of your home, get the opinions of others you trust and narrow down the field. The photos will also serve as a tangible record of a once-in-your-lifetime experience.

Celia asks, "I have a large family and would very much like to have several group photos taken. How do I work out the logistics, so that can happen without annoying my guests and driving the photographer crazy?"

Dear Celia, The trick here is to plan this in advance, rather than on your wedding day. First locate a spot where at your ceremony and/or reception venue that's out of the main area where your guests will congregate. Check to make sure that the backdrop area is wide enough so that no one in the photo will have a plant "growing out" of their head. Give each of the guests who will be involved a "road map" with directions to where the spot is and when each will need to be there. That being said, it is still wise to assign the roundup task to one of your close friends, or family who will recognize and be able to locate and corral the folks who are missing for the photo shoot. In the end, you'll be glad you made the effort.

Hillary asks, "I'm a bit embarrassed about asking my friends and family to serve as attendants at my wedding. Have you any hints as to how I can get past this?"

Dear Hillary, Simply put, don't be afraid to ask for help, but when you do, explain that you will understand being turned down and explain that you'd rather a "no" up front than an uncompleted assignment later. Your honesty will be appreciated and you are less likely to be disappointed down the road?"

Alice asks, "Can a married person be a Maid of Honor and what do I call a married, or widowed ‘Best Man'?"

Dear Alice, Neither the best man nor the maid of honor has to be unmarried. A married or widowed man retains the title "Best Man," while a married or widowed maid of honor is called a "Matron of Honor." Divorced honor attendants are okay to chose, but be sure that choice wouldn't offend your religious beliefs, or the sensitivities of your guests. Several Christian denominations have guidelines about who can be honor attendants. Some religions require that the official witnesses must be of the same the faith in which the ceremony is conducted. It's advisable, if you are having a religious ceremony, to check with your officiant.

Jeff asks," We're trying to trim our budget and have a friend shoot the video at our wedding. What's our feeling about that?"

Dear Jeff,Your friends and family, if it all possible, should only be guests at your wedding. Asking a friend to take the video, is asking him or her not to fully enjoy and participate in the event. In addition to that, most nonprofessionals are not trained, so you can be quite sure that there will be important details missed. You would be much better off if you can trim your budget somewhere else.

Roberta asks, "I am fortunate to have a large family. My great-grandmother and all eight of our grandparents will be at our wedding. For some, this may be the last ‘official' family celebration they will attend. Other than "bringing" these special people to the photographer, how can I make absolutely sure that the photographer gets photos of them?"

Dear Roberta, How lucky you are, indeed. To help ensure that photographer takes these critical shots, begin by describing each of your relatives to your photographer. Give him or her cues about your VIPs such as clothing, distinguishing characteristics, corsages/ boutonnieres. Better yet, provide the photographer with a list and paste thumbnail images of each right onto the paper. Last, but not least, delegate a family member who knows all, or most of these guests, to act as the gofer and corral these folks to the photographer's shooting spot.

Sheryl asks, "My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced from each other and have both remarried. I just heard that we are expected to pay for half of the rehearsal dinner. I just received an email from my ex husband with the quote from the caterer attached. He is assuming my husband and I are paying without any communication about this. What is the etiquette for this situation? If his dad and I were still married, he would not expect ME to pay half. I am not sure how to deal with this situation."

Dear Sheryl, There is a "tradition" about who pays for what for a child's wedding, but these are just guideline and there are no wedding police to enforce the division of costs. The proper way to deal with wedding costs is for all the parties to sit down together, discuss, and work out the details to everyone's satisfaction. It's inappropriate to be sent costs that you are then told to pay. Please note that my sources say that the groom's site paying for the rehearsal dinner is optional. If you can't all get together, then maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your son and explain to him what you can and are willing to contribute to the wedding and to what degree, if any, you want to be included in the way the money is used. It seems quite clear that someone in your family needs to open and clear the lines of communication. I hope this helps and wish you much good luck. For more information check out our Wedding Guide article ""Your Budget and Budget Issues and Who Pays for What?"

Marryanne asks, "I'm having an outdoor, backyard wedding at mom and dad's home, which they so graciously have allowed us to use. I know they say that everyone talks about the weather, but nobody can do anything about. Can you offer any suggestions for being "weather-ready?"

Dear Maryanne, There are lots of things you can do to "protect" yourself. Considered having a tent set up, because it not only works if it should rain, but also because it provides shade on a sunny day and a cooler environment for the food. If you plan to go ahead regardless of the weather, you can, in your invitations, ask guests to bring umbrellas just in case. As backup, you can have several large golf umbrellas available.

If you live in an area that sometimes gets severe weather such as hurricanes, you may wish to consider Wedding Insurance. Many contracts cover postponements, or cancellations due to severe weather. For more information about wedding weather issues, check out the Wedding Guide article "Weather Related Problems and Solutions."

Vicky asks, "Most wedding venues no longer allow prospective brides to sneak in for a peak in order to hear what a band, or orchestra sound like. How can I get an idea of what these musicians sound like, before I hire them? I hate to go by looks and references alone."

Dear Vicky, You are correct. This is a luxury that venues no longer provide. They have found it to be disruptive of the wedding in progress. To combat this, most live music groups have prepared a CD with samples of their different kinds of music they play. Some groups have one, or more vocalists and these too appear on the CD. Some more sophisticated professionals have prepared DVDs, so you can not only hear, but also see the group "live."

Another way to catch a live glimpse is to visit bridal shows that have performances going on during the time the show is in progress. Call the show promoter in advance, so you can check credentials, before you see the group in action. You may also wish to ask to see still photos that the group has had taken at affairs they have played. For a listing of many of the regions bridal shows, Click Here.

Jessie asks, "Is there an order for who picks a gown first? I want to pick my wedding gown, first, and then have everyone else pick a style that ‘matches' mine.

Dear Jessie:Traditionally, the bride gets to pick her gown first and it is her gown that sets the style for others to follow. The mother-of-the-bride gets to selects her gown, next. The mother-of-the-groom gets the next pick. If you can arrange for your mom and your mother-in-law to-be to go shopping together, that creates an opportunity for the two moms to get acquainted. The degree of formality and colors are the bride's choice and the moms need to make their selections based on the bride's wishes.

Ginger asks, "We're a close family and will have lots of children attending our wedding. I know that children have very little patience and when they get bored, they get into trouble. Can you make some suggestions about how children can be included in the event and be made to feel important by doing so?"

Dear Ginger, Aside from those children who are singled out as ring bearer, flower girl, and junior bridesmaids, there are any number of important roles that children can play in your wedding. It's critical that you speak to the children and parents of the children who are tapped for these jobs. Make it clear to the parents, as delicately as possible, that they need to keep an eye on their children and ensure that the tasks are completed. Here are some of the things that children can do. They can distribute wedding favors and/or programs to the guest. At the ceremony location they can distribute directions to the reception. Children can serve as escorts and greet the guests. A child with musical abilities can be the page turner for the organist or other soloist. Children can hand out flowers, as well as rice, birdseed, bubbles or confetti to the guests. One or more of the older children can take candid pictures of the family and bridal party, and/or serve as the "people pointer" and identify VIP guests to the photographer/videographers. Children can assist guests in finding seats at the ceremony and at the reception. After the reception, when the gifts are opened, allow the children in the family to open gifts and/or keep track (list) of who gave what. For a list with more kid-friendly ideas, check out our Wedding Guide article, "Kidding, or No Kidding."

Joan asks, "We have a situation where the reception is being held in the church hall. We are using white grape juice and ginger ale punch. Both the Bride and Groom are underage (19 years old). The Pastor says we may not toast the couple even with punch because it denotes alcohol. Our belief is we will be wishing the best to and honoring the young couple and alcohol is not an issue. Is there any precedent we can share with her to show that alcohol is not the important ingredient in a toast, but instead it's the message given. Surely alcoholic and medically restricted persons can toast as well as our youngsters. We need something to back us up. Any help you can give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you."

Dear Joan, I certainly understand your wish to have a celebratory toast, a tradition that dates back hundreds of years. There are, however, minor children involved and setting an example for them is what's critical. Your pastor's objection is much like not allowing children to "smoke" candy cigarettes. The least important part of a toast is whatever's in the glasses. The most significant are the words that are said to honor the couple. Eliminate the punch toast and create new tradition. Hold a candle aloft to toast the couple with light. Recite the words of the toast to honor them. Or, look up the language that different flowers represent. Check out the article in our Wedding Guide. Create a bouquet of flowers with special significance that you include in the toast and hand the bouquet to the couple.

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but this mom of three grown children thinks that setting good examples for our children is more important than any ritual, no matter how old.

Susan asks, "Our daughter is getting married this October. She and her fiancé have been living together for a number of years and both have established careers. While they don't own a home, they do stay in a very nice place on the beach, fully furnished. Our eight year old granddaughter will be the "flower girl." Her sisters and his will be their bridesmaids/ushers. His family is affluent, while we are not. We are middle class folks. They His understand the situation and have committed $2000 toward the cost of the wedding. I'm confused as to what is expected that we should contribute. I was to try to do what's acceptable."

Dear Susan: Traditionally, the brides' parents "make" the wedding, but certainly it'd not etched in stone. Their contribution has and always will be a gift. When considered as such, the amount is always up to the parents. When it comes to "older" couples who marry, who have been on their own, the contribution of parents becomes even more voluntary. Especially if you are of limited means, your daughter, I would hope, will understand that you can't pay for the entire wedding (minus his parents' contribution).

Under no circumstances should parents, or the bridal couple, for that matter, ever go into debt to hold a wedding. Sit down with your husband and decide what you can and/or are willing to contribute. Keep in mind that there are "incidental expenses" like your dress, your husband's tux rental and the like for which you will also need to budget. Then sit down with your daughter and her future husband and tell them your decision. You are under no obligation to explain how or why you came to the dollar amount. The couple, I trust, will be mature enough to gratefully accept your gift and thank you for it, not matter how much it is.

Sheryl asks, "My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced from each other and have both remarried. I just heard that we are expected to pay for half of the rehearsal dinner. I just received an email from my ex husband with the quote from the caterer attached. He is assuming my husband and I are paying without any communication about this. What is the etiquette for this situation? If his dad and I were still married, he would not expect ME to pay half. I am not sure how to deal with this situation."

Dear Sheryl, There is a "tradition" about who pays for what for a child's wedding, but these are just guideline and there are no wedding police to enforce the division of costs. The proper way to deal with wedding costs is for all the parties to sit down together, discuss, and work out the details to everyone's satisfaction. It's inappropriate to be sent costs that you are then told to pay. Please note that my sources say that the groom's site paying for the rehearsal dinner is optional. If you can't all get together, then maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your son and explain to him what you can and are willing to contribute to the wedding and to what degree, if any, you want to be included in the way the money is used. It seems quite clear that someone in your family needs to open and clear the lines of communication. I hope this helps and wish you much good luck. For complete information about "Your Budget and Budget Issues and Who Pays for What."

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